Hi my names Stacey! (The Rock's Voice) IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT UR NAME IS!

Cell phones have gone from the “Zach Morris” days to basically a miniature mobile computer. Technology is growing more advanced each day, yet for us guys our minds are as simple as the stone age. It’s crazy to think that my phone can Skype, Text, Find directions, Play music, play games etc. The second I go to my contacts though I am reminded of what a meat head I really am. I meet new people every weekend. Some turn out to be lovely ladies, others are more towards the bottom of the bucket. They both have a similar characteristics. No matter how simple their first and last name may be, they will never be listed in my phone under that name.

Here are a few examples from my phone directly:
-Christine Possible Great ass
-Ana Awesome Accent
-Danielle Pour House w/ Charty
-Jill Outside Commonwealth Quincy
-Lilly Royale, Brazilian
-Meagan Nurse Coogans

You know you’re an absolute legend when your contact list just says, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc….

No Fucking Way!!

Are you fucking serious, the balls on this lady are unbelievable.  She all of a sudden had an immaculate conception and 9 month later she has a black baby. Then has the nerve to want to sue the movie theater. For what?  The fact that you went on vacation and cheated on your husband (who by the way was deployed the whole time).  Not only did you cheat, you let him raw dawg that shit and finish all up in there.  If you feel the need to cheat on your husband again, at least have to common courtesy to have him pull out. Cause if you pop out an Asian baby next time, he might ban you from your beloved 3d porn movies!

(Shakes head) Kelly, Kelly, Kelly

I just don’t get it Kelly you go from girl next door to Jabba the Hut? Did making all those smash hits and racking up all that money get you lazy? Don’t get me wrong Kel, I will still absolutely murder it when “Because of You” comes on the radio. In fact any song you sing is straight fire. I just want the complete package back. So do us all a favor and turn in those jelly beans and brownies for a slim fast and some lettuce.

Good bye Whitney, HELLO LIN YU CHUN!!!

This kid absolutely murders this song, like 7 o’clock news murder shit. All day long I been bitchin about how sick I am of people blowing up my facebook news feed. Post after post about Whitney dying and how much people will miss her. Don’t get me wrong, she was an unreal singer until she got a taste of the chemical (Fergy-The Town, voice). But let’s be honest people she made some pretty bad choices and just couldn’t get better. There are millions of people in this world that are addicts, it’s the name of the game some get better and some just don’t.

I truly hope in 6 months from now we see Lin Yu Chun on MTV cribs opening the door in a chinchilla jacket with a bottle of crystal in his hand. This kid just hit the lotto with Whitney’s death!

Tanning...

Went to class today and learned nothing as usual. Instead of testing me on different theories and stuff I'll never need to know , why can't they answer things that are relevant to my life? Why can't they tell me if going tanning is a yay or nay? Recently, a girl I know has given me a bunch of shit for going tanning and I've been taking a lot of heat (pun intended).
Sorry, I didn't know trying to look good was against policy. Should I no longer get a weekly haircut or go to the gym either? I know my limits, I go just enough to come out of the booth looking like a 5'10" 180 pound Milky Way just waiting to be eaten up. Instead of rashing on me, these girls should look in the mirror, they're the ones who ruin tanning for people who look good after because they're the ones who come out looking like Doritos. It's called tanning, notorange-ing. Don't be intimidated bros, if you wanna go tanning, do it up it'll only boost your stock. Being pasty isn't a good look, everyone wants to add a little color to themselves. Nobody goes to the beach in the summer to swim in the dirty water or play in the sand...they go to marinate themselves in sun. Tanning isn't a chore, it's a privilege. Get your ass into a booth or bed and have fun. I recommend booth so you can get all the hidden crevices and dance (you're not gonna expect me to stand still if Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani is on at the time are you?). Lastly, wear a sock or you're gonna get a red hot chili pepper; I learned that the hard way and wish I got the heads up before that life changing experience.

This was written by Mike Cheung


So this is Cheung’s second blog and let me just say this kid is as hot as Jeremy Lin. That’s not just an Asian reference, this kid is good. With that being said, if any of you think your funny message me and like Simon on American Idol I’ll let you know.

Why do they call them roofies? They should call them floories.... Or rapies

Southie Shore

Yeaaaahhhh buddy. TLC and 495 Productions, the makers of Jersey Shore, are creating a reality television show based on South Boston. The show, called "Southie Pride," is going to follow the lives of 5 South Boston women trying to make a living for their families.

I can't be the only one WICKED excited for the exaggerated accents and the drama. Please tell me they rob a bank or two. Is Blake Lively in it? No, as a matter of fact, fuck Blake. The real question is, is my boy Cheese Jean-Baptiste gonna make a cameo? You know he "don't play squeamish..." Oh, and Mahky Mahk needs to take his shirt off. That's like, a given.

I got a little pride of my own and whatever they do I hope they do it right. I'm looking for a little more than just the loss of the letter R. No Snookis or Situations either. Boston doesn't deal with that BS, I'm pretty sure you'll get ur ass kicked. Racism? Of course, it wouldn't be Southie if it didn't offend everyone but Irish Catholics.

So all you Murphys and O'Briens get ready for the new hit show this Fall...the premeaah is sure to be wicked pissah.

My New Favorite DJ

This is crazy. This grandmother is tearing it up across Europe as a DJ. I mean think about it, should she be sitting in an old folks home waiting for her mid afternoon jello snack? No, she's tearing across Europe selling out shows and making good music as she goes. My grandmother at that age was living through me, her favorite grandson, the star soccer and baseball stud that I was back in the day. Not this DJ, with her Billy Idol hairdo and track suit jacket. Ruth, come on now you should be wearing a sweater you knitted in the old folks home not a jacket that probably could put her grandson though his first year of college. If she ever comes to the United States you bet my ass will be first in line to catch her live and on stage.

New style parenting... Like a boss!!

It’s about time some parent stands up and takes control over their damn children.  Every day on Facebook you see some skanky ass teenager doing something sexual that I haven’t even heard or seen before.  If they try and do anything about it, the kids “cry rape” like their rights have been violated.  Back in my day if I was told to do something and I didn't, I got the wooden spoon and on a very special occasion a cast iron frying pan. Those days are over I guess, now public embarrassment it’s the new way to go. Oh and 8 rounds out of the .45 don’t hurt!!

I Need To Enroll Back In College ASAP!!!

Are you freakin kiddin me!?!?!? This looks like the greatest movie ever. Here I am 25 years old, still in my prime sitting at a desk 40 hours a week when young bucks like this are straight having the times of their lives. College is going to be too expensive for just 1 semester of fun. I gotta think smarter. My parents don’t go away often enough to throw a ripper like the one in that video, so that’s also not going to work. My buddies that have places of their own won’t allow it. Wait a minute! What if the big dog himself left the nest? What if I did a little research myself and rented an apartment right off of a campus? Wow, sometimes I even amaze myself with my brilliance. It's settled; Time to round-up a couple of my boys. In fact for this life move I'm bringing in the big dogs. Rob V buy that ticket back to Boston because shit's about to get real freakin crazy! The other roommate will be determined shortly. . .

Damn It Feels Good 2 Be A Gangsta

"I don't smoke weed, I smoke clowns like you on the Bball court..."

How do Gangsters get street cred? What do you gotta do to be labeled as a straight up G? Well apparently in MA all you gotta do is snitch and the lawmakers will take care of the rest. A state rep is looking to have "Gang members" identified by stickers on their licenses. This would be based on a points system awarded for various gang-related acts, tattoos, or self-admission. 10 points or more would warrant the "G" sticker on your operator's license.

This would def make it easier for the cops to do their dirt.  Instead of sprinklin crack on their victims and calling it a drug bust they can carry around stickers so they can cover it up as a gang war. "What happened here?" "Gang killing." "Oh, case closed, let's get outta here."

So forget throwing up gang signs and rockin different colored bandanas. If someone steps to you in the hood just flash your license and let em know they're stepping to an OG!

Shit Girls Say...about Sex

Let's be honest, girls are less than truthful when talking about sex. That's putting it mildly. Sure there's a double standard. Sure ladies are supposed to exercise a little more discretion than men lest they be called something derogatory. However, some of their responses to inquiries about the bedroom are downright comical. Even when they volunteer the information men can't help but smirk.We all know the rule of 3: If a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with you take that number and multiply by 3 and that should bring you closer to her actual tally. "I've only been with 6 guys." Nice, this little sailor girl has conquered around 18 sea men. I've been in the game for over a decade now. I can't possibly recall all the funny lines I've heard from ladies along the way but I can compile a list of the "Shit Girls Say...about sex" Hall of Fame. Here it goes:

"Ok, you can come over...but we're not having sex." (Always results in sex)

"I never do this..." (Yes she does)

"You want me to do what? Fine, but you too..."

"Ok, but we have to be quiet my roommate's sleeping..."

"Here's a blanket and pillow for the couch...but you can come stay in my room if it's too cold..."

"You hooked up with [blank] so I'm not just gonna be one of ur girls...Ok?"

"Be gentle, it's been a while..." (Probably hasn't)

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Why am I constantly ridiculed for eating bananas? I swear everyday at work a co-worker gives me a look like I should be on the set of some dude gang bang. Even today my buddy says “Look at you eating that huge Banana.” I responded “Dude it’s just my mid morning snack with my protein shake.” He says “I bet you do get protein out of it.” WHOA WHOA WHOA Bud hit the breaks! Listen, I have nothing against gay people by any means, but I’m all about Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. After his comment, I stepped outside the box and envisioned myself eating it and alright you got me. Yeah I guess it does resemble a giant yellow dong, but I don’t care! You don’t get this physique by eating chips and donuts so I’ll settle with blowin Big Bird once a day if it will keep me in good shape.

PS: I literally can’t spell the word banana without singing the Gwen Stefani song . . .

Duck Hunt!

I heard about this game yesterday and it’s absolutely genius! It’s called “Duck Hunt”. That’s right just like the old days with the old school Nintendo. But we upped the ante instead of shooting the birds on your TV, its time to shoot the broads on your facebook.
Rules:

Every time you see a chick making the Duck Face in a FB photo comment “Bang” and shoot that bitch down.

Ps: For those who don’t know this is the duck face

Follow This Guy....

So as each day passes Twitter grows on me more and more. Some of the accounts out there are hilarious, this is prob one of the funniest ones I’ve seen. .