If u could pick a special talent for ur bf/gf, what would it be?

Crazy Eyebrows? Perhaps not.

Doesn't exactly wake the beast...if you know what I mean. Crazy tongue? Now we're talking.

Flying, being invisible, super strength...all admirable qualities. If u could choose a special talent for ur significant other, what would it be and why?

I, for 1 love it when a girl can make herself into a pretzel. Just sayin...

FOOTLOOSE!

My theory is simple: “You can’t score if ur on the sidelines”. That’s why you better believe ur boy absolutely murders it on the dance floor each weekend. Some say the way you dance relates to sex. Well ladies if that’s the case, get ready for a beating cause this guy holds it down! I feel as though throughout the years like any athlete, my dancing skills got better with practice. In fact you could say I am as confident as ever on the dance floor maybe even a first ballot Hall of Famer. A week ago there I was giving lessons to strange women on the dance floor and a Brazilian girl approached me in her little black dress. Clearly I stiff armed the bucket of yuck I was entertaining and gave my full attention to this little bundle of joy. I quickly introduce myself like any gentleman would, except the first words out of her mouth were not her name. Her first words were, and I quote “Are you gay or something”? I was speechless; I was reminded of a Mike Tyson interview when one of his ex-wives was on 60 minutes bashing him. Tyson didn’t say a thing he just sat there quiet. He later stated “I couldn’t say anything, if I went crazy like I wanted to, you would have all thought I was a lunatic.” That was my approach. My silence lead her to explain herself as to why she asked such a random question. In her little Brazilian accent which without a doubt gave me a chubby, she said “I don’t usually see guys dance like that, so I assumed you were gay.” In 1 second my confidence went from an absolute low to an all-time high. I knew it! I knew these hips weren’t for these regular folk. They were made for women with some rhythm aka Team Brazil! The night ended with a little tongue wrestling and I got her number. She’s now added to the 2 am filth talk list. This brings me back to my original theory that “You can’t score if ur on the sidelines.” So gentlemen, even if ur just sub par at dancing, take a chance. You have nothing to lose and I'll guarantee you have a better shot if ur on the field instead of on the sidelines.


PS: I found an old video of me teaching my buddy and fellow TakeUrPick owner (J***s G*nd*rs*n) how to dance….

A Marked Man....

What a ride to work today. There I am just cruising jamming out to Rihanna "We Found Love" on 24 north and all of a sudden this 50 year old Indian guy cut's me off in his shitty Corolla. Obviously I wasn't going to let this slide so I gunned it right by him. Ok whatever it's over, a nice lil show of who's boss on the road. Back to practicing for American Idol, Wrong! I look to my right and I see this guy say F*ck you and then gives me the finger while speeding off. Evidently this guy was unaware I took a full scoop of Assault this morning (Pre Work out Supplement). I've been known to get a little crazy myself kimosabi! I immediately buckle my seat belt and turned into Ricky Bobby, waiting for my "Sling Shot" move opportunity. The next thing I know I'm side by side with this dude beeping my horn yelling "Pull Over". You know you scared the shit out of someone when they refuse to look at you because they know if you make eye contact its put up or shut up. This guy knew he was a marked man when I brought out the camera and took a picture of him.

Ps: I'll be waiting for you on 93 tomorrow pal...

Everyones Favorite Game F.M.K!

Everyones favorite game is back and better then ever.

For the ladies, Zack Efron, Bradley Cooper,and Ryan Gosling.

 

                                                  

And for us men, Jennifer love hewitt, Mila Kunis, and Jessica Alba.

 

This Is B.S.

                                                         
                
                                                   

Celeb City

Talk about a hot streak, Two weeks ago I’m getting Ciroc vodka shots thrown at me by LMFAO in L.A and now last night I’m basically an honorary Sons of Anarchy member.  I guess Mike Doucet is a celeb magnet these days, musicians, actors, I’d say a famous model is next on the check list.  Anyways last night I get a text from my friend telling me that some of the “Sons” were next door from where I was at The Tap.  I figured I might as well go say what up to my boys, maybe throw a few shots down with Jax, and take home a couple broads N.B.D.  As I walk into The Tap, “Bobby” comes stumbling out shit faced.  He was straight Chocolate wasted.  Naturally I ignored tubby and went to someone a little higher up on the importance list “Tig”.  Nobody was talking to him or taking pics, I couldn’t believe it.  Then next thing I know he turns around and looks at me, almost as if I was the chosen Bro for the evening.  He walks over to me and squares up, throws me a jab to my shoulder.  Its like we known each other for years, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he threw a leather sons of anarchy jacket on me and had “Top Prospect” stitched into it.  We chatted for a few, then he headed out.  Overall he was a pretty cool guy and I came to the realization I gotta get famous and I gotta get famous asap!

The Bro Circle

I'm a bouncer at a pretty cool bar near the Garden. I'm not gonna lie, it's a pretty awesome gig. Front row seat to all the drunken debauchery, not to mention the perks of getting to drag d-bags out by their popped collars when they get outta line. I've had girls come up to me and ask me to go home with them. I've judged Boob contests. You name it. Oh and btw, I'M GETTING PAID. So it's fair to say, there's a lot to like, no?

1 thing I don't like: The Bro Circle. Not to be confused with the Girl Circle which I can actually tolerate, the Bro Circle is flat out obnoxious. Buncha d!ckheads. They don't dance provocatively, inviting you in, only to have their friend pull them away like the ladies. Oh no. These tools are more like a gaping black hole, sucking in everything (male, female, angry bouncer, barstool) that gets within a step or 2. They don't even seem like they're in it for the talent. I mean gorgeous girls could be surrounding this "bro-down" and they're completely oblivious. Only agenda is to get blackout drunk and try to do damage to your bar. Oh, and don't let their "jam" come on... Picture drunk idiots simultaneously letting out an "Ooooooohhhhhhhhhh!!!!" and jumping straight up and down literally shaking the bar. 12 year old girl-like I'm not kidding.

Avoid the Bro Circle at all costs. You might even want to fight them. You've been warned.

Hungover?

Poor kid!

We all know what it’s like to wake up feeling like death inappropriately dressed with your cheek sticking to the ground/leather couch/counter top etc.  After you figure out where the fuck you are your brain runs through it’s own video timeline that gets fuzzier and fuzzier the deeper into it you go.
Now there are a few variables that bring that hangover to the next level:

1. Waking up next to a grenade.
2. Remembering that utterly embarrassing moment where you made and absolute dick of yourself.
3. Realizing how much money you spent.
4. Getting ready for a nice day at work.
5. Commuting a long distance home. (like the winner in this video)

We all have our own way of dealing with this morning after punishment.
Here is mine: To be completed in order. 1)Sex 2)shower 3)small sips of gatorade 4)eating what I can stomach (preferably greasy) 5)nap.

Whats your hangover routine?

Hottest girl alive my ass

This can’t even be legal, no wonder her marriage lasted 72 days! On one side you got her looking like a super model walking down the red carpet. The other side she’s looking like she took joining team Edward a little bit too far and has been a part of the Cullen clan for the past 2 months.  I can see you put on some eye liner and  lip gloss, but if you’re going to paste a new face on every  morning  do us all a favor and don’t let us see your real one. 

Best pick up line ever!

Later Bud...

I’m sorry, I cant stand your facebook news feeds anymore, your lifting videos, Supplement pictures, Angry status’s about people who don’t lift as hard as you, I’m done bro.  If you were huge and jacked id let it slide, but if your gunna talk like a big dog you can’t be lookin like a pup…

Did That Just Happen!!

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. What club would ever let this happen? Better yet what was that guy thinking? I am amazed he could even pick her up. This guy clearly has a back brace on under his shirt. The best thing about this video is when he puts her on the table he stops and waves to the crowd. This brotha has absolutely no shame taking this lady to pound town. Look closely after the table breaks and her legs are up in the air...she's rocking those thunder thighs like she's auditioning for foxy lady! My man basically gives her the O.T.P.P (over the pants pounding) of her life and he’s out like a boss!

The Routine. . .

I’ve lived by this routine literally like a diabetic lives for insulin for the past few years now. I know everyone has their own little “routine” before going out and for when they get to the bar/club. I figured I'd throw mine out there to the world. I mean what’s the worst that can happen - you jamokes get out a paper and pen, take notes and actually become successful at night? So here’s the deal: I obviously get the essentials out of the way first (Shit, Shower, Shave, Man scape and Pick out clothes). Once that’s done I either have the boys over my house to pre game or I go over their places. Alcohol is picked up immediately; the drink of choice is always Bacardi limon and sprite. I know, I know, it may seem like a bitch drink but ya know what? It does the fuckin job pal! Brain cells are brain cells, we all end up taking them down some way. Once the bottles open the music goes on and the x box is up and running. Game of choice is COD or madden, depending on the mood. Then the always entertaining game to see who drives is played and we go to www.takeurpick.com to find out where we are going. Yes that was a cheap plug for this phenomenal website.

Let's fast forward to the bar/club. Once we get to the spot it’s game time. The second I walk into the door my head is on an absolute swivel. Most guys just check the girls aka “talent.” I personally check both. I don't mean check out like ”Hey pal nice package,” but I look to see if there are goofs, weirdos, or studs like myself. I then go straight to the bar and depending on my initial assessment, it's either beers (Solid Talent and I have a good chance) or Bacardi and diet coke (I’m going “slumming”). After the drinks are bought, peacocking begins. I hit the dance floor with the bros, we show the moves, and let the chicks who are standing around see us then walk back to the bar. Once again if we are “Slumming” it we re-load on hard alcohol. Regardless if it’s a beer or mixed drink, the walk is next. This is a quick lap around the bar to make sure we didn’t miss any possible gems when we first walked in. After the walk its back to the dance floor. I Just dance with the bros. My motto is “If you look like you’re having fun, it will attract people who want to have fun.” I keep dancing till I find a chick I like. I look at her then turn away then do the look back. If she also does the double look, then I know I'm golden and I make my way over. Worse comes to worse if the night sucks and I'm surrounded by buckets of yuck, I just grab another Bacardi and diet coke and make the best out of it...

TGIF or TGIS?

I can't tell whether Friday or Saturday is a bigger night out. To me the numbers look about the same. The weekend warriors go out both nights. They could give a shit who's out with them. They also tend to be single. Those in relationships have a wknd night in for QT, and a wknd night out (prolly for sanity). There are some that work every Fri night, or every Sat night, so the choice is made for them.
What if you had a choice though?

I for 1, would probably say TGIF. You can't wait to get through the week and once 5:00pm hits Friday afternoon ur already with beverage in hand. Every after work spot is packed and by 10pm it tends to get a lil schloppy. We're talkin schloppy joe's from the cafeteria in Billy Madison's school schloppy (that's not a typo).

Saturdays are no slouch. They bring crazy pub crawls and birthday parties or weddings...wait, no not weddings. That's just gross. Neway u get the picture. Fridays you tend to go out for you: aka get fucked up. Saturdays you tend to go out for someone else: a friend, a relative, basically not you.
Maybe i'm selfish haha. I love to celebrate me some me. I'll celebrate for u too, I just love me more.

So TGIF or TGIS? What do you think? Why?

Cover Charges, The Unwelcomed Greeting

Nothing is as inconvenient as the cover charge. $5, $15, $25 they all suck it doesn't matter. I understand clubs and venues charging for bands and DJs in high demand, but when I do the necessary ass-kissin to get on the reduced guest list I don't expect to be greeted at the door with a $20 fine for wanting to party. That's reduced??? You should be able to pay the DJ back off the profit from Patron shots taken alone. Why should I pay to be allowed to come in and basically hand you my money?

Bars are a different story entirely. Bars should never charge a cover. The DJ is not in high demand. The bands are basically paying to get a gig. There is no dancefloor; drunk patrons create the dance floor when they're good and loaded. I come bearing gifts in the form of paper and plastic haha, and you greet me with your hand in my pocket before I even walk in the door??  Unacceptable.

People don't pay cover charges because they want to; They pay cover charges because they have to. What they want to do is have a good time and drink. Sometimes their friends are already inside and they have no choice. Sometimes there are hot girls in line and if you sneer at a $5 cover charge you look like a loser lol, so you have no choice. You're not happy about it though. We've all been in this situation: Cover is $10 and you got $8.50 in your pocket. Great, now I gotta listen to the bouncer give me directions to an ATM in a "Convenience" store seemingly on the other side of town.

Talk about inconvenient.

ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!

That’s right baby, its ROYAL RUMBLE TIME! Come 8pm Sunday night boys will become men in a 30 man winner takes all, good old fashion Royal Rumble. You bet your ass im gunna have my Hulk Hogan bright yellow rip away shirt on with my 10lb bucket of 100% whey protein on stand by. This match is like a car pile up on 93 south, just replace the cars with steroid abusing oiled up athletes. In honor of the Rumble, you may catch me out Saturday night with cut off jean shorts and my timberland boots smashin keystones off each other.

Ps: If that 10 second countdown before the next wrestler comes out doesn’t get your blood flowing, you might as well hand over your man card…

Trailer Park Trash and I Love It!

Good T.V is good T.V and yes ladies and gentlemen I am a reality show whore!  Im not a huge Teen Mom fan but to say I haven’t watched a few episodes would be a lie.  Anyways, this broad Janelle must be the craziest chick on any reality T.V show in history.  She is literally nuts!  This is a prime example that some girls are just straight up trash.  I am assuming this chick makes tons of money, She’s on freakin MTV she has too.  With that being said, it doesn’t matter how much money you make there is one fact in life.  “You can take a hoe out of the trailer park, but you cant take the trailer park out of the hoe”.
Ps:  Id still take a D list celeb down…
          

Come On Lady!

What the hell is this lady thinking? If you’re going to wear something that is going to attract guy’s eyes to your ass and legs, you sure as shit better have a one worthwhile to look at.  Not an ass and set of legs that looks like 10 pounds of shit shoved into a 5 pound bag. I’ll let you be the judge of when that time is, but if you are even in the same ballpark of this lady. Do us all a favor and cover it up please! I would like to keep my lunch down next time you walk by me.

A star in the making!

This may be the greatest video I’ve ever scene. As Don King said “Only inAmerica”. This girl is going to grow up to become a world class trailer park trash star and I love every minute of it! You know you’re in good hands as a child when your mothers claim to fame is the “Coupon Queen”. Even the staff behind the cameras cant help but laughing at this little meth head bundle of joy.
Some of Alana’s best lines:
“A dollar makes me holler, hunny boo boo”
“My special juice is gunna help me win!!!!”
“My Go Go juice is kicking in”
“They don’t know a good thing when they see it”
Ps: I want Go Go juice and I wanted it YESTERDAY!

The Terrible DJ

What's the song that gets you up off the barstool and onto the dance floor? "N!**as in Paris?" "Teach Me How to Dougie?" "Sexy and I Know it?" I'm sure over half the bar would agree with you. You know who won't? The Awful DJ that's spinning House mixed in with a little bit of "what the hell is this?"

It happens to the best of us. Throughout the night you've knocked a few back and it's not even controllable anymore, you wanna dance to some music. The dance floor's kinda empty, so obviously you don't wanna be the first one. The DJ is doing his absolute best to keep people away, as if he was paid to make sure people were dissatisfied. Some girls roll up to the booth and whisper something to him. He gives the patented DJ nod and they walk away with faces of excitement. 5 bullshit songs later they walk away and head for their coats. You can literally see the DTF light flicker and then go dark. You think you'll have better luck.

"N!**as in Paris" you whisper. He gives you the nod. Couple songs later it comes on and the dance floor barely comes to life. Until he follows it up with "Whoomp There it is" and "Hot in Herre." FAIL. Worse yet, after cycling through his 90's playlist he tosses on "N!**as in Paris" again in desperation. Nice try buddy. We heard that about an hr ago. What is this the radio?

The dance floor is completely empty at this point except for a trio of antsy girls and a bro circle shitfaced enough to dance to showtunes. The girls try their luck at the booth and a few seconds later there's a heated exchange b/t them and the DJ. On their way back I ask the girls what happened. "He said if we don't like his music we can just leave." Wow, what a D!&k. 30 minutes later "N!**as in Paris" comes back on. I turn to the bartender and we both start laughing. This guy is a joke.

I decide to salvage the night by ducking out around 1am and hitting up one of my late night spots. On my way out I stop by the booth and whisper "YOU SUCK!"

With one side of the headphone to his ear he gives the head nod...

L.A Swag

 

So I took a trip to visit my buddy Rob V last weekend in L.A. Let’s just say the gym crowd is a little different from what I am use to here in Boston. Anyways, they’re I am just getting my swell on and Lesley freaking Chow comes strutting by dressed in his Sunday best. All I could think of is this guy catching me taking the picture of him and saying “Suck on these little Chinese nuts”

Yo Breath is straight nasty girl

One of my biggest pet peeves has got to be Smokers Breath. I mean the fastest way for a girl to miss out on a lil 7 minutes in heaven is to have a package of Marlboros showing in her purse. In fact Bitch ill make you leave the party. This has only actually happened to me once, but once was more than enough. Here I am a 3 time state tongue wrestling champ and this broad has the nerve to rip down a cancer stick 2 minutes before the match of her life. My buddies have told me about the “Ash tray” mouth, but they seriously weren’t kidding. It literally tasted like I went outside of work to the smokers ash tray and gargled that shit like Listerine. This is not just a story or thought, it’s a warning: I am drop kicking the next chick who kisses me after smoking one down to the filter.

PS: Same goes for dudes too. Not that I intend on smoochin you boys but I’m sure the girls aren’t feeling ur shitty breath. That is unless ur in a flannel shirt, cowboy hat and you are the actual Marlboro man himself.

Gladiator Sandals!

So here it is - the thing I can not stand the most. All of these God damn women wearing these God awful sandals. I like to call them "Gladiator Sandals" because when they wear them they look like they just got off the front line fighting for the fucking Roman empire. How long does it take to put these things on anyway? With all the straps and buckles it has to add another 15 minutes to the hour it already takes for girls to get ready! All I'm saying is if ur footwear looks like you came from the time of Julius fucking Caesar you really need to think about what ur doing with ur life!

Mondays

I am so tired of people on Facebook bitching. All week long you see these negative statuses. People don’t get it. No one gives a shit about ur shitty life. This is especially true on Mondays. Everyone bitches about Mondays; I myself call Mondays "Opportunities".

The first thing I do every Monday morning is log into Facebook to see any girls statuses from the weekend that say "White girl Wasted this weekend" or "Blacked out hard with my girls". I like to call these girls “Easy Targets” or “Whores”. I write these names down for the weekend just in case nothing good is going on. I sure as hell know these girls are going out and like Bobby Brown on a Tuesday morning (HARD).

The next most important Facebook update to keep an eye on for the week is relationship statuses. I look for any relationship changes: "Its complicated”, or “single”. I shouldn’t have to even explain myself on this update. We all know what girls have in mind the weekend after they pull the trigger on making it Facebook official. I can hear their annoying little friend’s voices now: “Don’t worry Stacey! This weekend we are going to black out so hard and meet so many new guys, Jake will be wishing he was a better boyfriend”.

Rough Weekend? Try Jesus!

Quincy, Boston’s Step Brother

My experience with Quincy was one that started off a little rocky to say the least.  When I say rocky I mean Coors Lights, taste the Rocky Mountains beer bottle being thrown at my face like a Roger Clemens fast ball.  It was my second time ever bar hopping in the city of Quincy. My first experience was nothing to brag about so I figured I’d give it another shot.  Let’s just say this wasn’t my first poor decision in the game of life.  Anyways we started out the night bouncing from bar to bar, downing beers and having some laughs. It appeared as though the night was going to be low key.  This was until the dancing itch came over me and my two buddies.  We decided to go to another bar that offered a little different atmosphere than the others - more of a club environment.  Once we walked in the door I immediately saw this 6 foot 5 drugged out Jerry.  In fact, one of my boys even said “That kid is going to get into a fight tonight.”  Well, bud you need to start playing the lotto because you can clearly predict the future.  Let me fast forward to what actually happened.  My two friends and I are dancing in the middle of the dance floor “Peacocking” as usual.  All of sudden my friend yells out “FIGHT!” Like any alpha male I turn around to watch a good beating.  Unfortunately as I start to turn around my friend pushes me.  The second he pushed me I saw something out of the corner of my eye which to me appeared to be a rocket.  Later I found out it was a beer bottle. This thing absolutely nailed me in the corner of my eye.  Thank God I was blessed with the ability to take a shot to the face (Not a reference to getting a facial), because a lesser man would have been laid out in a coma.  After impact I was clueless to what had just happened to me. It’s like the whole club was at a standstill.  I looked up to my friends and a few other girls staring at me.  As rocked as I was, I took a right off of Queer Street and immediately looked for the culprit.  Of course I saw the 6 foot 5 druggy in a fight with someone.  Evidently the kid he was fighting whipped a beer bottle that missed by a mile and hit me.  Rage completely had come over my entire body by now and I was on a mission to put the kid who threw the bottle at me in a body bag.  Unfortunately I never had the opportunity as bouncers and police officers immediately grabbed me.  I even went as far as to start hitting the cop car and yelling at the “Culprit” in the back of the cop car until I was restrained.
So with that being said I put Quincy on the back burner for a while until last weekend.  I went back to back weekends and have come to the conclusion that Quincy is what it is.  It’s without a doubt a step up from your regular town bars, but still just short of the pros (Boston).  It has your jack ass loser guys whose idea of a good time is getting drugged up and lifeless to ur normal regular people who just don’t feel like driving into Boston.  The talent (Girls) is a wide variety. Like I’ve always said when digging in the dirt for a diamond; Ur bound to cross some creatures in your journey.  To wrap this up I guess I would have to admit that if ur not in the mood for Boston or Rhode Island, Quincy will keep you entertained.
Welcome back old friend, Welcome back...

Where did the real women go?

What happened to natural beauty? When did girls start to think that putting fake things on them or in them made them hotter? This girl’s picture says it all, look at her chest. Ones the size of a softball and the other is nothing more than a mosquito bite. What the hell is she going do when she gets the guy who thinks she’s a solid C cup. But when all her cloths are off and all the tissue is missing her chest is flatter than a 10 year old boy.  In most cases ladies, it’s not how you look when you get into bed it’s how you look when you get out it the next morning. And all the caked on makeup and fake boobs won’t help you with that.

Not Again...

Ur Excuses are like an NFL injury report

Doubtful.

Questionable. Doubtful. Out, as in seriously, get the fuck OUT-ta here with that garbage lie.

Am I the only guy who laughs at the ridiculous excuses girls come up with for not coming out or standing you up? If so, I seriously need a hug.

"I uh, had to drive my grandmother to go grocery shopping. Sorry."

"My little sister's recital was night and my parents made me go, didn't I tell you about that?"

"I'm having back surgery. Yeah, it's crazy."

Crazy indeed. I'd venture to say I'm not the only guy, though, so save that warm embrace for a rainy day.
It's the weekend, so you decide to hit up ur phonebook to see what's going on. Ur boys are headed to the bar and you say why the heck not. Still, you think it's in ur best interest to spice up the sausage fest and get some girls to tag along. Maggie - Neds: Oh yeah, the cutie I met last weekend. Let's see what she's up to. Magz never sounded so excited to get ur text. She tells you she's on her way and bringing 4 of her hottest girlfriends.

Word. Excitement sets in. You remember Maggie bein all over you last weekend and the only reason she didn't get knapsacked back to the bat cave is she was driving her friends around. You get to the bar and there's some ok talent.  Ur not worried, you got this. Hour goes by, nothing. You hit up Maggie and tell her you just got there. Tiny fib, but she wouldn't know.

No response. Cpl more hours go by and you get the sense this chica is pulling ur leg. U give it 1 more go at 12:30. Nada. After a few more drinks and laughs at ur expense by ur boys u head home. The text message notification wakes you up the next morning.

Text from Maggie - Neds: "Sorry about last night. I was totally on my way out the door and then I slipped on a banana peel and fell down concrete steps and messed my back up. FAIL. Lol, oh and my hip hurts too. I think I need hip surgery. Hip and back surgery. Let's hang out soon though, k?"

Maggie's return to the lineup is Questionable. Doubtful even. As a matter of fact, she's OUT.

Lucky for me there are plenty of backups eager and willing.

A little help for you college kids creating your resumes

Siri

Listen, ya boy absolutely loves the IPhone. The best two features gotta be Face Time and the new Camera. "Face Time" is aka Filth Time, because you know after the bar closes your phone turns into chat-roulette. The HD camera is not only clear but the zoom feature turns my dick from a white irish guy to King Kong.
With that being said, back to back nights this past weekend a girl tried to rave about Siri to me. I entertained the first girl on friday. Ya what ever she likes a phone that does what she tells it to do. Have fun with it now sweet heart because when your married its back in the kitchen! The second girl was the same story. Not until today at work did it really bother me. My buddy visited me at my cubical and he started raving about it. I stopped him dead in his tracks an said: "If Siri really knew me and wanted to be helpful she'd have porn instantly streaming when i was horny and she'd have the ability for me to take a picture of a girl and tell me on a scale of 1-10 how easy she was".
Zach Morris had a brick as a phone and cleaned house. Get lost Siri...

Who Is This Guy???



Who Is This Guy?

 We've all met him, unfortunately. You know, that guy...the random drunk guy at the bar that wants nothing more than to be ur best friend. You've never seen him before in ur life but he tries to hug you and cling to you like ur brothers. The whole time he's spraying his horrible alcohol breath in ur face ur head is on a swivel looking for his friends, a bouncer, anybody to come claim this bar's version of a homeless guy on a crowded MBTA bus. Basically you just want to be rid of him. You pretend to go to the bathroom and then resurface at what you think is a discrete location. He won't find you here, right?

Think again. Like Batman to Commissioner Gordon a shadowy figure emerges from behind a speaker and stumbles onto you almost knocking ur drink outta ur hand. That guy. That guy with a not quite half full but not quite half empty bottle of Bud Light. He takes sips but the amount seems to remain the same. The guy's a complete enigma. The more he lingers the more you start questioning ur popularity. Why me? Am I special? You could be with a group of people but somehow this guy wants to be YOUR friend. You get him a Bud Light and tell him "nice to meet you." Then you try another disappearing act.

You end up on the dance floor. DJ is on fire. Time to work the magic better than Harry Potter himself. This hottie from a circle of girls breaks from the pack and starts towards you. Checkmate. Time to get ur grind on. Before ur zipper seam meets the area between her back pockets you feel someone on ur back. Word. Her hot friend you assume. After a few seconds you turn around for the sandwich. (Cue the creepy music) "Sup, man!!" No, it can't be. That guy. That random drunk guy. Yes, holding a not quite half full, not quite half empty bottle of Bud Light. You almost break ur neck ur head is on such a serious swivel.

Seriously?? Who The Hell Is This Guy?????

Whats In A Good Cheers!

You know when you are at your house before you go out to the bar/club? Everyone gathers around for a shot and they call out "hey Steve say something" before they take it. Everyone has their own way of taking them. For example, I always lift up the shot and cheers with everyone else but before i take it i tap it back off the bar or table that im standing in front of. I don’t know exactly when it started but I can’t remember a time I haven’t done it that way. Some people like to Give these long speeches: "Here’s to a long life and a merry one, A quick death and an easy one, A pretty girl and an honest one, A cold drink—and another one. There’s many more that I have heard over my time. Some are long, some are short, some are funny and some have meaning only between friends. In the end of the day it doesn’t matter what is said as long as ur having a good time and enjoy the people you are with.

Here are some good ones I have heard over my many years of taking shots.........

Here's to you and here's to me, friends forever shall we be, and if we are to ever disagree, then Fuck You here's to me!

Here’s to the bee that stung the bull and got the bull to buckin, here’s to Adam, who bent over Eve and started the world a fuckin!

Here’s to looking like movie stars, living like rock stars, and fuckin like porn stars!

Here's to the girls that we love, Here's to the girls that we hate Here's to the girls that we'll fuck, but probably never date!

If you have any more that you would like to add to this list, let me see what you got in the comment box!

Fast Times

So if you have never seen “Fast Times” you need to get your head out of your ass and head over to The Greatest Bar tonight!! This band is with out a doubt the hottest band inBoston, I literally see Facebook status’s left and right searching for this band. Anyways the run down is simple, they play up beat 80s music that makes you wanna get drunk and jump around. Tomorrow should def be another great show especially at The Greatest Bar, plenty of room and usually a few hotties show up on Thursdays. Show starts at 9pm!

Football over Chicks!

Is that a banana in ur pocket?

Gay, Straight, Black, White, Asian it doesn’t matter. At one point or another every guy has had that “o shit” moment on the dance floor. When you mix solid grinding music, beer and a cute girl how do you expect it not to happen? If you haven’t guessed it yet I am referring to guys getting boners on the dance floor. I remember my first missile in my denims while shaking my tail feather. I put the Lee Dungarees “Cant Bust em” tag line to the test. At first I was a nervous wreck and the most random thoughts raced through my mind. I was trying to trick my brain into thinking that a hot girl's “V” wasn’t separated by a few centimeters of denim from my “D”. Sports, Male locker rooms, Family events, ANYTHING raced through my young mind to get my boner down. I was wishing for erectile dysfunction for every school dance I attended. Luckily as they say “Wisdom comes with age” or however it goes. What used to be a terrifying event has now become a routine. In fact, call me a sick jerk but I welcome the rocket. This leads me to my next thought. Do guys hide it or let it flap? I personally think it would make a girl feel awkward, so I go with the point it to the opposite side the girl is grinding on me move. This move is also known as the “Misdirection.” This is done when you know ur body’s blood flow is focused on one part of your body. If I feel as though I am in full control, which has taken years of practice, I go with the “Step Away”. The “Step Away” is like a quick time out for your crouch, almost like they say in football a “Bend but don’t Break” defense. Give up a lot of yardage (Initiate the Chubby), but don’t let the other team score (Don’t let the snake fully out of the cage). As I have also learned from my friends who will remain nameless, some males choose the much more aggressive approach. This “Aggressive approach” consists of no trickery what so ever. You just let the girl know you have a banana in ur pocket and it's not going anywhere. My friends claim that the girls they do this with love it! I honestly am not sold, so lets hear it girls give me some feedback!

I still got it..... I think

Should I be happy/flattered that I got hit on by the drunkest girl at the bar? In my defense, she wasn't blacked out when she hit on me. I was chilling by the bar per usual, scoping the dance floor for potential talent when this cutie with what I considered to be "dreamy eyes" comes over and gets right in my face. Now i'm not gonna makeout with the first girl that comes up to me. Not until I weigh my options, ladies. Check back with me at last call aka 1:45 am when a decision needs to be made or desperation sets in. Anyhow, I think this girl is cute and give her my full attention. Her friends come by and take her to the dance floor so I decide to play it aloof and circle back to the area in like a half.
Wrong. 29 minutes and 59 seconds later while I'm making my fashionably late entrance to the dance party, I hear a loud THUD! One bouncer signals to the others, and within a minute 2 other bouncers surround this seemingly lifeless chick on the ground. When I finally make my way over to the see what's going on, there lies my sleeping beauty, complete with sweaty hair all over her face and blood dripping from her lips. That wasn't even the worst part. Some girls on the dance floor were still dancing around my 1:45 appointment gone horribly wrong as if she wasnt even there!!! Jumping up and down and screaming to Rihanna's "Love in a Hopeless Place" while my fallen angel lay in a heap of hot mess like a Hopeless Case.
The bouncers scooped her up and brought her to the front. Finally got her upright and she refused medical attention. Her girls took her to the cab and she was gone forever. Refusing to admit defeat I did what any man with no ounce of self-respect would do at that moment...
I whipped out the Berry and scrolled through the 2am list. Nicole from The Harp - "

I still got It

wuuutcchhaaa doin."

Reason 389 why i dont want a Daughter!

To buy or not to buy a girl a drink!

    
     Over my time of going to bars and clubs I have always been the guy who buys a girl a drink right off the bat. As soon as I get talking to a girl the first thing out of my mouth is "would you like a drink?" I thought it was always a good idea. For what reason, I have no clue. The more and more I think about it, it's the worst thing you can do. All that girls want are "free drinks" and they don't care what schmuck gets it for them. When I started hanging out with one of my new friends he would never buy a girl a drink as a rule of thumb. "If she wants a drink, she knows where the bar is." Suddenly it all changed - the first thing being that I had so much more money left in my pocket at the end of the night.

     The other thing is I started getting better quality girls. I got rid of the ones who think they deserve their free drinks and the ones who think they are so hot that they don't have to pay for anything in life. All I'm saying is if you find a girl who will pay for herself at the bar and doesn't ask you to you might have found a keeper. I'm not saying marry her because she can pay for her own drink, but the sooner girls get off their high horses, thinking that they get everything for free the better off mankind will be.

Hey Babe!

Yeah that was a good idea

What is wrong with this kid? Didnt his parents teach him not to mess with fire? If your doing this to compensate for something, you better re-evaluate shit QUICK! I mean its one thing if your chris angel pulling moves like this, But this is no amateur game. Also you never have a video camera rolling on your first try. If you feel that you absolutely have to, do it right an not half assed. By far the best part of this video is the kid who caught on fire. I mean you know in his mind he's thinking how funny its going to be watching his friend suffer. Then at the flip of a switch your now the main event! Its fight or flight bro and you just took off running and screaming like you heard just bieber was in the next dorm.

This was me at 4am Saturday morning

Out of all the celebrities in Hollywood, “The Hoff” might be my favorite. Yea sure guys like J.T and Bradley Cooper are all over TMZ slayin broads, but none keep it as real or have swag like The Hoff. This guy’s night probably consisted of going out on the town, grinding on 21 year old blondes all night long coming home and eating like a king. How dare his daughter judge him? Anyone who goes out at night knows that the second you walk into your door its grubbin time. So bitch step back and get your father a Gatorade so his hang over isn’t as bad in the morning…

You've Worn Out Ur Welcome

When should you tell a girl she's worn out her welcome?

Right after you've changed her life forever? Nah, too soon. Unless it was awful. Get that chick in a cab fast so you can head back to youjizz while there's still lead in the pencil.

Breakfast time? Ehh, maybe. Unless she's hungry. In that case I like my eggs scrambled with cheese and my bacon medium. Slap an apron on, honey.

Lunch? Heelll no. If she's not gone after breakfast that means 1 of 2 things: 1) Her breakfast skills are so good I had to take her back 2 the room for a morning session. 2) Her breakfast skills are terrible and since I had to make it over from scratch she got the boot before I sat down to eat.

So what do we take from this? Good sex/Good breakfast = Morning quickie, send her off happy. Good Sex/Bad Breakfast = don't let the door hit you on the way out.  Bad sex = cab, immediately.

Welcome

Welcome to the official TakeUrPick.com Blog! Soooo here’s the deal, not only do we break down where to go and what to do for Boston night life. But we decided to give this site some personality. This blog isn’t gunna be your boring bull shit reviews like the other sites out there. We are gunna bring you videos, pictures and write stories about actual shit that happens in our own personal lives and anything else we happen to find funny. We will also be posting events hosted by bars/clubs to keep you assholes entertained.

PS: Mom and Dad try not to judge me!!